getting married again Anyone who has ever been involved with planning a wedding knows of the turbulence and tears encountered before the couple can be united. read more second marriages Marriage is not a fading institution, in fact there are twenty per cent more marriages in general than a year ago. Marriages - and weddings - are alive and well, but nowadays four out of every ten weddings are second marriages for one or both partners. read more second marriage faq's Wedding experts have produced reams of advice on wedding planning for first-time couples, but much less so about remarriage. Nevertheless, second and third marriages are more common than ever before. read more	LIZ TAYLOR & RICHARD BURTON, NEW YORK 1964
getting married again
Anyone who has ever been involved with planning a wedding knows of the turbulence and tears encountered before the couple can be united. And that is when it is the first time for both of the partners and relatively uncomplicated. Issues such as what kind of ceremony, how many people should be invited, and what to put on the wedding list, pale into insignificance when a wedding second time around is being arranged. Questions arise “Should my ex-in-laws be invited so as to see their granddaughter as a bridesmaid?” and “My step-father gave me away the first time - is it okay to ask him to do it again?”
There are even more serious and fraught issues to circumvent, and they usually involve children from a previous relationship. Often men and women decide to postpone getting married because of the minefield they could see waiting for them if they went ahead. And yet this was, at times, an unhappy decision, particularly if it was a “first” for one of the couple.
Perhaps it is as well to keep in mind that it is never possible to please all of the people all of the time. Because although we must give thought to the couple wishing to marry and to make a public declaration of their love and commitment to each other, there are others who must be considered as well. For children, a wedding can stir up painful memories about the first family and the break-up which followed. Some children harbour a secret hope that their parents will, against all the evidence, get back together again. The remarriage of a parent puts an end to this hope. If there has been the death of a parent, and the mourning process is incomplete, the news of a wedding may bring to the surface unresolved feelings and emotions.
The news of a forthcoming wedding should be discussed between all the adults. The co-operation of an ex-partner, if at all possible, is most important when deciding who will tell the children and when they will be told. To marry without a parent's approval is one thing, but to marry without acceptance by your children, of any age, can be very painful. If due consideration is given to the timing of the event, notice given, and feelings aired, then the ground it being properly set for the big event, and even more importantly for the future of the family. Children need to know whether they will be affected and what, if anything, will change for them. My research showed that children not included in at least part of the ceremony often find it more difficult to accept the stepparent.
One dilemma may be for a child who thinks her “other” parent may well feel left out and not want the child to take part in a second wedding ceremony. Will it be seen as a betrayal? Or acceptance of the new stepparent? Another reason why discussions between the original couple, from the beginning, are so important. These worries need to be considered.
Several parents told me they arranged for a favourite aunt or friend to “shadow” a son or daughter through the actual wedding day. Someone to keep a special eye on the child in case there were upsets of in case a child felt left out.
Sometimes daughters may act as maids-of-honour who also may give a ring at the ceremony. Sons sometimes acting as “best men” and others who “give away” the bride.
It all adds up to the same thing, the necessity of careful planning and preparation beforehand. Leave nothing to chance - take nothing for granted. A wedding is a landmark in any family and those adults and children who have been burned by the fallout of an earlier divorce or death of a parent will be particularly sensitive to the meaning of the occasion. With some planning, a lot of discussion, and a little bit of luck, it will be a day memories are made of. back to top
second marriages
Marriage is not a fading institution, in fact there are twenty per cent more marriages in general than a year ago. Marriages - and weddings - are alive and well, but nowadays four out of every ten weddings are second marriages for one or both partners. New patterns of wedding etiquette have emerged, and so have the number of sites on the Web.
There is more choice now about where to marry, and for many couples this means there is no longer the battle between a religious ceremony and a local civic one. Again, the Web is the place to turn to for a selection of places which are licensed to perform marriages. There are sites, too, which help you design your own ceremony, you can even have your speech written for you, and there are pages of wedding-friendly jokes to choose from.
A wedding is a family affair and always an emotional event. Even a couple who plan to keep the day simple and informal will find themselves caught up in the hopes and expectations of other people. If a couple are paying for their own wedding - very often the case with second weddings - they are perhaps free of parental decisions. But with second wedding there is a more difficult minefield to negotiate between several extra major players. If either one of the couple has parents who are divorced, and perhaps remarried, the complications are multiplied tenfold.
Also, ex-partners should be told about the forthcoming wedding well in advance, and if there are children of one or perhaps both the people who are getting married, then extra thought and planning must go into the day. It may be that the children are playing a reluctant part of the wedding plans, and as ‘children of divorce’ may have very mixed feelings indeed about a mother or father actually marrying someone new.
Children may feel disloyal to one parent if they attend the wedding. Also, a wedding is a final blow to a child’s secret wish that his or her parent’s might somehow get back together again. The time to have those heart-to-heart discussions about a new stepparent is well in advance of the wedding day. Children, of any age, will need to air their opinions and have their views heard and also, perhaps, need to be reassured about what, if any, changes will take place after the wedding.
Dilemmas may appear in quick succession. Do you invite your ex-parents-in-law so that they can see their granddaughters as bridesmaids? Well, do you want to? And would they really want to come? When death of a partner was the reason for a second wedding, it was often the time to put grief aside and for all the family to join in celebrating the new union. However, now that the most common cause is divorce, there may be bad feelings between family members and so this may not be a wise decision. Much will depend upon the feelings of the bride or groom.
Even if you have been living together for sometime - and statistics show that three-quarters of the couples now marrying have been sharing a home - a wedding is a fresh landmark. Plan well in advance, leave nothing to chance, and make this a day to remember.
For your bride or groom this may be a first wedding so it is important to keep this in mind. Make sure your new partner is in no doubt that you are fully involved in the planning of the wedding, and that you do not feel a second wedding means it is going to be second best. Gather people together on the day whom you love and who love you, and who wish you well in your future life together. Keep in mind, everyone loves a wedding and if you have given a lot of thought to the feelings of parents, children and most of all your bride or groom you will have a wonderful day to remember. back to top
second marriage faq's
Wedding experts have produced reams of advice on wedding planning for first-time couples, but much less so about remarriage. Nevertheless, second and third marriages are more common than ever before. Is protocol the same for an encore bride? Here's some frequently asked questions regarding etiquette, ceremony options and blending families.
Q: I'm thirty, divorced, and plan to be married again. My fiance is thirty-two and also divorced. Should he talk to my parents and ask their permission and tell them our plans, or should we tell them together? A: Sharing this news is something you can do together, unless you know your parents are opposed to the marriage. If that's the case, you should talk to them alone, without your fiance present. That way you can explain your feelings and give them a chance to express their concerns to you. You might want to follow-up with a talk among all four of you, to be sure everyone has had the opportunity to clear the air.
Q: I'm planning a wedding for next year and it's a second marriage for us both. What should I look for when shopping for wedding attire? A: Wedding etiquette experts suggest you may wish to forego wearing a veil, however a nice headpiece is appropriate. Also, a cathedral length train is not really the best idea, but a shorter (chapel length) train is more suitable. Wearing white is now considered acceptable for encore brides. For men, the situation is much simpler. A second time groom can feel free to wear anything he might have worn the first time around. As always, his attire should compliment the bride’s in terms of formality.
Q: My fiance has two children from a previous marriage. Should I include them in our up-coming ceremony? A: Yes! Let them be ushers, bridesmaids, flower girls, ring bearers, pages, or they can be attendants. That said, don't just assume they want to be involved. Always inquire first. If a child expresses reluctance, don't push them. Reassure the children their presence will be appreciated regardless of their roles on the big day. As a thoughtful gesture, seat them at your table during the reception.
Q: I have children from a previous marriage, but my fiance does not. I'd like to have my children stand up with us during the ceremony, but my mother thinks this isn't appropriate. What do the experts suggest? A: It is fitting and perfectly acceptable. You might consider letting the youngsters walk down the aisle ahead of the you and the groom. This simple act makes a strong statement that the marriage is a significant step for all involved.
Q: My older sister is getting married for the third time. Our parents will not be at the wedding; but she has a daughter, who is to be her maid of honor. Who gives her away? A. The bride's daughter can walk her down the aisle and serve as her honor attendant. There's actually more flexibility on this issue for encore brides and no taboo against who gives a bride away at the ceremony. She's free to choose among her father, a sibling, a child of a friend, or to walk down the aisle alone.
Q: I'm concerned about my future husband and his relationship with his ex-wife. We've had disagreements regarding their children and our up-coming ceremony. I need some advice. Should I try to intervene? A: Generally speaking, no. This will be one of the hardest things for you to do in your new marriage. Leave this situation to him. Even if you feel he's being walked on, when it comes to her, you won't be doing your relationship/marriage any good by taking over the situation or nagging him into doing things. If the situation is important enough to him, he will do something about it himself.
Q. My sister is marrying a guy she's been living with for five years. They're inviting his ex-wife and some of her relatives to the wedding. It just doesn't seem appropriate. Am I wrong? A. You are entitled to your opinion, and it's true in most instances such an arrangement wouldn't be possible. But as long as your sister is okay with the plans, it's completely acceptable. If she's not okay with it, that's a different story. It's her wedding, and she has a right to feel comfortable! If she's upset about it, encourage her to confront her husband-to-be with her feelings. He needs to know about them as soon as possible.
Q: My soon-to-be stepson said he wants to call me "mom" after our wedding. He's seven years old. I feel awkward about this...should I let him? A: Of course, let him. How fortunate that he sees you in such a positive light. Cherish the gift and soon the awkward feelings will vanish.
Q: I've heard about a medallion ceremony for second time couples with children. What does that involve? A: The Family Medallion ceremony has become a popular way to involve children from a previous union in the wedding celebration. After the exchange of vows, the child or children are invited to join the couple for a brief ceremony. The medallion, featuring three raised circles symbolizing both the marriage of the couple and the creation of the new family, is presented to each child. It can be attached to a ribbon and placed around the child's neck, as a public gesture of love and acceptance. back to top

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